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• Tendjewberrymud
• Commonly Asked Questions
• How to sing the blues

Tendjewberrymud

Its amazing, you will understand the story word for word by the end of the conversation......

Read aloud for best results. "Tendjewberrymud" Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes 'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes,an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS:"Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome"

Commonly Asked Questions

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at petrol stations where smoking is prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
If a fire fighter fights fires and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

How to Sing the Blues

by Lame Mango Washington (attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin).

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town"
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
    a. highway
    b. jailhouse
    c. empty bed
    d. bottom of a whiskey glass

    Bad places:
    a. Ashrams
    b. gallery openings
    c. Ivy League institutions
    d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

    Yes, if:
    a. you're older than dirt
    b. you're blind
    c. you shot a man in Memphis
    d. you can't be satisfied

    No, if:
    a. you have all your teeth
    b. you were once blind but now can see
    c. the man in Memphis lived
    d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Wille Nelson has for years.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
    a. wine
    b. whiskey or bourbon
    c. muddy water
    d. black coffee

    The following are NOT Blues beverages:
    a. mixed drinks
    b. kosher wine
    c. Snapple
    d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
    a. Sadie
    b. Big Mama
    c. Bessie
    d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
    a. Joe
    b. Willie
    c. Little Willie
    d. Big Willie
    e. Slick Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
    a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
    b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
    c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

    For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.

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Daily Prayer Dear Lord, So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy,nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes God, I'm going to be getting out of bed and from then on, I'm going to need a "lot more help"! Amen

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